who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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