just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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