On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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