you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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