She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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