I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
