WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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