she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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