I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
