I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
