I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
