I could make wine with my vomit
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
