xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
