Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
