dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
