I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
