I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
