What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
