i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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