you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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