Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Less talking, more tequila
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
