A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
