tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
