Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
