Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
