She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
