I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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