She is in my trunk
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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