two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
