I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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