Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
