No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
