Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
