Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
