Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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