in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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