I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
