I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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