dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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