Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
