GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize