saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Everything about him screamed your future.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
