If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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