He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
