After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
