I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
