I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
