I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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