now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I smell stomach acid.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
