You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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