Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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