I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my sisters under your porch take her home
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
