we have pet lesbian snakes
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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