Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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