I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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