I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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